So it’s time to spice up your sex life, because making it on top of piles of money only goes so far. You could take it slow and go for a tame toy, but this is the internet, and we don’t do tame. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Like a Virgin Doll

Japan, once again, is at the forefront of technology and really weird shit. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but right now I’m just trying to ignore the fact that I threw up in my mouth a little bit. As you may have gathered from the name, this is less of a toy and more of a sex doll. I’m probably far more OK with that than I should be – but I’ve seen Lars and the Real Girl, so I have an open mind. I’m going to ignore the question of how on earth you clean this thing, and get to the creepy part.

The doll has a replaceable hymen, which can secrete pseudo-blood once you start making sweet sweet doll love.  So yeah, have fun cleaning that up.

Pig Tail Butt Plug

This should not be a thing, and DEFINITELY not be only one in a series of similar things. Somehow, the pig tail is the weirdest one (the others being a bunny tail and a horse tail), just because it looks like a backwards corkscrew, and there’s really no way you could ever pretend it’s something other than what it is: a pig tail that goes up your butt.

Rubber Fisting Mitten

I think before I go any further, I’m going to point out the absurd length of this glove. It goes all the way up to your shoulder. There is no way you’re going to need it to be that long…it’s not physically possible. That isn’t a challenge, it’s just a statement. There’s no need to send any pictures proving me wrong.

Moving on, LOOK AT IT.

Orca

There are many replicas of male parts on the internet, but I can honestly say this is the first example I’ve seen of a whale’s junk. What, weren’t the incredibly over exaggerated dongs of regular humans enough? It’s advertised as being over 15 inches without the base. You’d think that the parts this particular jewel is intended for would take one look at it and organize a jailbreak. Screw you guys, I’m going home!

Baby Jesus Butt Plug

I’m not a particularly religious person, but even I cringed when I saw this. The web site says “Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche.”, which makes me wonder. Do you have dildo wise men? Dildo sheep and angels and shepherds? Actually, you know what? Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

The Tongue Vibrator

It’s a disembodied tongue…and it moves. This could be one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. You know what happens when you bring this home, right? That night, there will be a lightning storm, and through an unholy power surge, all the lights will go out. You go upstairs to find a flashlight, but hear a wet slither. As lightning flashes, you see THE TONGUE! Slowly, it wiggles its way to you, and you realize it’s trying to speak.

“Kill meeeeeeeeeeee” it says. “Kill meeeeeeeeeeeee”

I Rub my Wormie Massager

I originally saw this on a list of “cute” toys. Let me tell you something – sticking an insect into someone’s nethers isn’t cute. It’s really creepy. I’m going to take a stand on this: if someone came up to me and said : “Hey baby, check this out!” I’d punch them in their goddamn face. And the fact that the worm has that dead smile on its face makes me think that if we were living in a Disney universe where everything could talk, this thing would need some serious counseling.

Dildo Gas Mask

I was wondering how this came into existence, and came to the conclusion that someone had a terrible experience with a exterminator as a child, and is now trying to tell us using the only way they know how. That is the only reason I can think of for putting these two things together. Unless your partner is emitting some sort of noxious gas, and the only way to turn it off is in her hoo-hoo, you can probably skip on the gas mask entirely.

Mr. Jack with Moustache

You know, I was wrong. The vibrating tongue isn’t nearly as bad as this. This is like getting head from a Muppet who doubles as the sarlaac from Star Wars on his off days. The creepiest part, by far, is the little moustache. What were we going for here, creators? If you were looking for something to adorn this guy’s little godless face, there are better things to use than a skeevy porn star moustache.

God, I need a drink.